It Ain’t What It Is, It’s What You Make Of It
or (11 Years Of Freedom From My Right Breast)
© Carolyn G Buttram August 6, 2007
Note to Self: Do not wear unsecured fake boobs to the beach.
I went to the ocean last week. Beautiful Tybee Island. I made the mistake of going into the water with an unsecured boob in my swimsuit. It did not take long for the 4-foot waves to knock my boob right out of my suit.
The good news is that fake boobs float. So you can retrieve them, usually. But, have you ever tried to chase a floating boob in the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of 4-foot swells? In and out, In and out, in and out.
The bad news? Fake boobs float. The family beside me thought my boob was a jellyfish. The kids are all crying, and screaming, and trying to get away from it. They are terrified. The dad starts attacking it with a boogie board. And all the dads in the vicinity come over to save the day.
I am trying to act like it’s not mine, while at the same time trying my best to sneak in and grab it and stuff it back in my swimsuit. Of course, it was the 38DD boob that I save to wear to the beach.
Finally, one of the dads decided it was dead and he picked it up to show to his kids as a trophy. He scooped it up on top of the boogie board he had used to murder it, and you know it landed on that board nipple up, plain as day. He stood there looking at it as the kids all gathered round to see the monster animal their dad had killed to save them.
I figured I would never get another chance to save it, so I worked my way into the crowd as they were beginning to poke it to be sure it was dead, and I picked it up and popped it back into my swimsuit and turned around to swim to shore.
“Thanks for catching it for me” I yelled back over my shoulder as the dad stumbled backwards into the surf.
Its not what it is, its you make of it. I flew to Co last week and the security guard decided that I should be searched more thoroughly: a fake boob wearer’s nightmare! The security guard was very interested in patting me down, and please do not kid yourself; they do touch you with the wand. He apparently had so much fun with me, he asked me for my phone number. So, I left one of my extras with him.
Handy Dandy uses for your new fake boob!
• Use two to top that bachelor party cake you volunteered to make for your brother
• Throw it at a mugger to distract him
• Use it as a place keeper when you are reading
• Use it as a doorstop when you are out of town
• Leave it with your husband when you go out of town
• Use it as an emergency headrest on those long plane flights
A jellyfish actually stung me when I was in the ocean, right across the chest.
The good news is that most of it hit the fake boob. The bad news is that when the lifeguard rescued me and said he had to spray me down with ammonia, I just figured he had to spray old faithful too. Hey, what do I know? For all I know, jellyfish stings are contagious. So, I pulled it out to hand it to him. Instead of taking it, he jumped back and it fell right on top of his foot. He screamed, the kids freaked out and started crying and running and this dad began beating it with his boogie board.
It is scary dating after you start wearing a fake boob, but I figure any thing can be fun. You know? It ain't what it is, it’s what you make of it. You go out with that guy for the first time or meet him at a party and before you know it he has decided that you are the love of his life. The more he drinks the more in love he gets? Yeah. When he gets too personal, just let him feel the fake one….and then when he wants to go home with you, hand it to him. I love that! |
